Revival of my blog in secret and lazy to organise..just wanted to find somewhere to vent my thoughts..

Today is the 6L outing..I have to admit i had fun..and lolx apparently lihe has something against wei yao hahas..maybe cus wei yao is quite guai lan ba..and i am glad..very glad to know that i have let go of my feelings towards him xD but i guess addy kinda misunderstood..NO addy u are not a substitute for all these ex crushes..in fact i think u are better than them in a way..or more of the fact that u really love me..

but I am quite disappointed by the fact that he still dun really understand what i am going through..its not that i am afraid of hard work..is that i know i cannot handle 3 jobs at once.

1. I have to take care of my bro in the morning (or mainly teach him and he is quite a hopeless case)

2. I am 'working' for mgx..although its time consuming..i have to admit this decision to stay or to leave is an important one as it could mean my future and I do not want to take this lightly..yes no money has been earned but I am learning and now I am making a decision for my future..maybe I should control my playfulness so as not to waste so much time playing and more on working i guess..or else its not worth it at all.. Haix and its my portfolio i am building..entrance to arts design and media..

3. I still have to make time for my family and friends and u addy..even though u say u understand and dun mind me neglecting u..but it really hurts me to hear ur disappointed voice when I reject ur date..come on..love is not a one way thing..and I really want to do something for him and not rely so much on him..I really love u addy...no kidding..and I dun wan u to leave me because I did not spend enough time with u..yes u promised..but in love...such promises have been broken and I really dun wan u to leave..

4. Money issues..ya ya I know I am horribly terribly horrendously broke this month..and ya i kinda admit I regret going for prom..waste of money..truly utterly waste of money..shouldnt have bought the bloody expensive dress and bra (which isnt worth the one time wear) and throw myself in poverty and debt of 130 bucks for denise...I am kinda disappointed in her too..for what?for the fact that she said she will pay for my stuff and yet take back her words..I feel kinda decieved and sad..this is actually worse than lihe forgeting to prepare for my prom..I hate prom...I hate it...if i didnt attend i would have my allowance...I will not owe addy that much money..I should have known that money will not drop from the sky and seriously..after I pay all my fucking debts I will not owe anyone money anymore..I swear..no matter how poor i am..no matter how broke..If I have to bear with it..I will..Its my irresponsibility for wasting money on useless hypocritical rubbish stuff..all i hope is that i can maybe sell off the dress (even though its gonna be difficult) and use the money to pay off the debt..tell me to wear for darren's wedding?erm...I think i am happier being not in debt and acting poor than being greatly in debt and acting rich..rubbish..utter rubbish..

SO..if i take up another paying job..I think i will die a horrible death cus too busy with everything..health is wealth u know..if ur gf and sick and stressed..i guess u wont be much happier right? And for godness sake..is not i cannot cope with stress..Is the fact that the stress I am facing is not just a bite on the arm (i dunno why i said that)

I have to face everyone's expectations..

I have to worry abt my family (especially my mother and brother..to hell with my dad)

I have to worry abt my future (which is something some others will face)

money issues..

at least addy is less of a worry..but gradually his rank on my worry list is increasing cus i do not spend a lot of time with him le..and nxt yr is his critical yr of A levels..

yeah life is like that..grrr...oh well..

TMR

CLEAN UP ROOM

FINISH LOGOS

and spend quality time with family.....

Thats the reason why i dun want to go out on sundays..because its a family day and rest day...

Oh and I am going to lock and control my emotions more...in case addy says i am a crybaby and cannot take stress..seriously..U are the reason for my tears..yeah..if u didnt appear..my emotions will still be frozen and be so cold...but really addy... If I control my emotions..its not a good thing..in the long run the sadness will just gather together waiting to explode..and u will not be much happier..and imagine me faking that i am happy when i am not just to be strong..isnt that hypocritical??I am not being truthful to u and u know we did promise each other that we will lie to each other..why cant u understand that??why??

Dont worry =)
I will take good care of myself
and btw u know why to you it seems that its you that cause me to cry more than laugh?
Because I it is those times that you take note..
Not the times that I am happy around you..
If you dont believe me..
take a notebook..
and put a tick whenever I am happy around you
and put a cross when I am sad because of you..

I am willing to bet that the book will be mostly filled with ticks xD
So have more confidence in yourself k?

Well..haix my poor poor finger..
but despite the injury..
i kinda find my bravery and independence back..
instead of being so spoilt by my bf and my mum..
Feeling so much confident again!!
Lol..

Today..
i dont dare to cut the black dead skin off my wound because part of it is still stuck onto my normal skin..
but if i dont it will hinder my healing..
SO
today while i was in the toliet..
I endured that pain and kinda bite off that skin..(reason for not using scissors? I am scared of infection and cant bear to use that metallic dangerous thingy..)
well there was blood and pain..
but come on..no pain no gain!!
And now my finger looks much better and hopefully recover soon =)
For that..
I have to say that I am quite proud of myself
and feel much more like the me who dont whine so much like a bimbo and cry to everyone about it
Must be brave!!
I MUST xD

and oh ya..
I still love addy hahas lala

take note: the injury...

All thanks to heroics...T.T

My mum has just departed from Singapore to Shanghai with my bro...
And..I cant help feeling scared...
Why?
Because..this is like the first time i am without my mum..
and I am scared..
She does all my washing, settle my meals, be the one who support me..nag at me and all..
even though she will be gone for just 2 weeks..
but I realised that one day..
I will have to leave her..for my own life..
And the fact that she put so much effort in taking care of me..
and I am like not doing much..
Not putting effort into my studies..

I dont want her to feel upset and the feeling that what u did was wasted..
I really dont want to..
especially if I cannot grow up to repay her for what I done..
And knowing this society..
Some people just abandon their parents and live their own lives..
I..dont want to..
Because my mum dont have anyone else..
Others may have their partners and all..
But my mum have only me and my bro..
And from the likes of my bro..
He may follow the footsteps of my dad and a high chance that he may not bother about my mum just like my dad does..
I...just dont know what to do..
Really really dont know..

Tell the truth..
I am scared..
Of the future ahead..
Really really scared...

Okie nothing much to update but mmm I am really trying to catch up with my studies..Hopefully..I can manage everything by Prelims..

Rawr..I really want to do well..and get to uni and after that?

Maybe a good career..Hopefully designing..

Marriage? Maybe =x

Parenthood?..er...er...I think that will be a long long long time later? Haha..

Until then..I think really A lvls is indeed crucial..T.T I think I better buck up and keep myself from the computer..

My new wallpaper!!Its supposed to motivate me to study and not play or use the computer too much lolx..Done by me duh and feel free to kope it if u need it hahas

I guess today is just not my morning

1st. Stupid handphone spoilt to the extent that it cannot be used at all and I AM FREAKING BROKE..I hate $$.. I hate the fact that I dont have it and that I have to rely on it for almost everything in this pathetic world.

2nd. JJC woke me up at 8++ and now blasting music and repeating one song again and again.
Whats the point of blasting music when the event is just located at such a small place?!! (netball court) If large scale I can still forgive..BUT ITS LIKE SO PATHETICALLY small scale and so is the music supposed to ENTERTAIN THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD?!!DAMN irritated..And i bet its not AVAC thats behind this..its probably the consellors..

3rd. My stupid dad yelling around exclaiming that he is all holy and we suck. THe usual crap

4th. My stupid brother bothering me all over the place being such a spoilt brat and having the same idiotic attitude as my dad thinking that the whole world should listen to him. He is such a blabbermouth..

I have no idea whether this list will go on for the day or just stay for the morning..but all i hope that later when I go out with addy to fix our phones is that this foul mood will not continue or I start throwing things all over the place..lol..

BTW if anyone is offended by this and thinks that I have a lousy attitude, low tolerance and deserves to die..go on..I dont care..this is me when I am irritated so THERE. Another thing to note...this is not the worst cus u dont see any vulgarities..

These are the days when I realised that life isnt so bad after all xD xD
Muahahahahahahahahaha back to mugging =P

These are the days when I am confused about my feelings...sucks

These are the days when I get irritable..

CCA stuff is driving me nuts..
ESpecially with the new teacher..
I dont know...But my 1st impression of her isnt that good..
Speaking to us and treating us like young adults?
I dont really sense it with her tone..And somehow or another..I sense distaste
In a way its unfair that to her our club is like some junk to her..
thats what I infer but well assumptions are not exactly good..
And her assumptions too..

Haix I really dont understand adult sometimes..
There are those that think that they KNOW and UNDERSTAND everything that we people go through
Well maybe they know part of it..
But they dont know all of it..
and also they claim that its nothing..
FOR goodness sake..
EVERYONE have their problems..
Its just because its not ur problem doesnt mean that it is unimportant..

Not that I am just shooting the teacher down..
She does have some points which I agree too..despite the harsh tone.
The only thing that drove her nuts is actually nick..
Well Nick does have something lacking in EQ in a way..
Not that I am shooting him down for that matter..
But ya..
Sometimes you have to change ur attitude a bit and not just think that everything should go the way you want it..

So much for that..and I am REALLY..
I mean it
REALLY jealous of Addy stepping down so early..
Damn...my results are going down the drain and I seriously need to buck up or my future and my life is screwed..
I really really want to take a break from the CCA..
But I dont know how to escape from it..
And I am starting to get irritated by people that tell me to do almost everything...far beyond my job scope
Sorry about that..But I am human too..Not god..
And I am starting to reach my limits..
SO please...Everyone..
Give me some peace...

How I wish I can rest..
Especially with my damn cough..
I dont wana go school...
T.T

What can I say...
I had a wonderful be valentine's day!!
At JJ night
And had a great time dancing with Addy!!
haha lala
Well..I like the slow dance
makes u wana wear a gown or something then dance with ur partner at a ball
Crazy imagination..
ANyway...Off to do my newspaper article..
AND
Happy VALENTINES!!

Happy Happy birthday to me!!!
haha 18 years old..
Oh ya I wana thank everyone for what they done for me + all the birthday wishes I recieved..

THANKS EVERYONE!!

People I want to thank by order starting from 1 day before my birthday:

Keith (for that cute little keychain)
Addy(for saying so many times haha and song dedication)
Sherrill who smsed the 1st on my bdae if I am not wrong =x
Simin
Denise(thanks for the letter and roses)
Tiffany(Thanks for the card!!)
My whole class 08S27
Special thanks to Clara for that big big cute turtle waa...
Jiarong haha
Ding for reminding Jiarong that today is my birthday LOLX
LIHE for the song dedication
Yuge
The auxilion/eg gang
special thanks to nick?
AND siqi for the cute cute card too!!
THanks sheena, jiantao, caleb and Denise for helping out with the design of the booth
For the rest of the auxilion ppl...WE ROCK!!
MMmm and my mum for giving birth to me..especially her..
who taught me to be the person today..
I LOVE YOU MUM..
To my dad....maybe a bit thanks forgetting my ice cream cake..
and the fact that without you I wont learn to tolerate that much haha..
And also without you I wont mature that much in knowing many things about how irritating people can be
Oh ya..I still dont like you dont worry haha..

One more time THANKS EVERYONE!!
P.S you are all actually included in my birthday wish..

OH yeah Oh yeah~
TMR IS MY BDAE!!!(And cca open house..)
WEEEHA!!
I am going to be 18 years old!!YAY!!
ALCOHOL..M18 movies
AND die to those stupid rules and regulations that goes something like

"For 18 years and above. For those under 18 years of age please consult your parents before yada yada yada..."

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!YAY!!
lalalalala

Busy nowadays..
Oh ya..
From today onwards..
unless its for cca
I will not do anymore designing
Cus need to concentrade on studies!!

anything else?
To all my friends...
I LOVE YOU!!

Oh wow i just realised something...
this is my 100th post!!
lolx hahas
Today we did up the class notice board..
yay!!In my opinion..It looks nice
And I especially liked sherrill's cow and bull!!!
SO CUTE!!
haha the witch is also damn nice!!
okok lazy to upload the pics but will do so next time ba haha bb!!

I am pissed...
Of all people..
As usual..
Stupid dad..

the person who ALWAYS makes such a big fuss over me going to Uni yadayada..
And doesnt offer any kind of help at all..
All talk and no action..
Asshole..(forgive the vulgarities)
When his dearest daughter finally decides to study..
And going to sleep early to ensure that I wake up early..
He go bother my bro and makes a damn load of noise..
After I shout DAMN NOISY eh!! from my room..
He still continue on..
OH wow..
WHAT A LOT OF HELP..

Then..
When I was in school and its CCA day..
He had to go off at 430pm for some ulu crap stocks talk..
So he intelligently called me and tell me to rush home by that time to take care of my bro..
Never even thinking about whether his darling daughter is having test or exam or lesson..
He just dont care..
Only for himself..

My specs went for a swim at the swimming pool late last year and disappear..
I was told to pay for it myself..
crap..My mum did sponser me..
My dad..didnt even give a damn
even finding excuses not to make him fork out his money..
So I decided to use my old specs in the meantime (its breaking already)
ANd tada!!!Today it officially died..
Told my parents..
My mum was asking how she could help..
MY DAD...
was beside LAUGHING AT ME..
saying what I this type of person always liddat one..
AND DIDNT EVEN OFFER any help..
DAMN HIM
And he spent god knows how many $$ on the damned 70+ plants outside my house on the corridor..
Crap..Ohhh wow and he expects me to find motivation in studying and get wonderful grades and get into a great uni with such astoning support..
Wth...in the end..I decided to temporary hold the broken part with wire until I have money to pay for a new pair with my measly allowance..
Life sucks seriously...

And..No one seems to understand me...
no one.....

Okok before I get murdered or something..
I better write something lolx..

Okay.........what can I say?

Life as a J2 is kinda hectic to me
Cus I finally started to work and somehow for ths first time..
I am actually starting to understand of all subjects..ECONS
And survived through a 1hr 30 mins tutorial without getting absolutely lost!!
Improvement improvement hahas

But...Damn..All the things I missed I have to catch up and I realised..
TIME IS SHORT!!
RAWR!!!

Oh ya mm roy maybe you are right about the game somtimes part
and to nicholas...
okok I did play but one thing for sure..
I will not let gaming ruin my studies anymore xD
So ha I can play again but keep it at a minimum lala~

Anything else?
Oh ya..lihe's class is at the left side of mine and addy's ex class the right side of mine..
sad...one down with chicken pox..
another retained..
T.T..rawr
I dont get to see addy that often until the J1s come in..
and its jus a few days and i miss him already
But nvm I still call him whenever I feel like it..
Damn I still got so many designing to do and hwk too
sigh sigh sorry ppl for not bothering to blog
haha at most I go online to check my email and visit neopets a while for fun joy laughter and stocks and lame entertainment xD

Love you guys~!Hope to update soon.....I hope..