Well..Lets just say that life is back to normal..with ups and downs xD

I think its about time I become my usual coop up self..the one who dont give a damn what others think and be more independent..I hate myself..I hate it when I become emotional because I cannot control the things I say and hurt ppl as a result..I admit the instance I fall in love I have this tendency to be more emotional..maybe I shouldnt..sometimes I wonder if I will be better if I am alone...but once you are used to being with people..its so difficult..so difficult to not feel lonely anymore..I remember the times when I am kinda anti social..kinda cold hearted I guess..but I never feel sad or the term known as lonely..now..I think I will just have to adjust..and get used to it..but it will never be the same again..

I just want someone who knows me..

Someone who understands me..

Someone who like the way I am..

And just be by my side to hold me when I cry and

to talk about anything under the sun, crap..and have fun..

( And I dont give a damn whether that person is a she or a he )

Revival of my blog in secret and lazy to organise..just wanted to find somewhere to vent my thoughts..

Today is the 6L outing..I have to admit i had fun..and lolx apparently lihe has something against wei yao hahas..maybe cus wei yao is quite guai lan ba..and i am glad..very glad to know that i have let go of my feelings towards him xD but i guess addy kinda misunderstood..NO addy u are not a substitute for all these ex crushes..in fact i think u are better than them in a way..or more of the fact that u really love me..

but I am quite disappointed by the fact that he still dun really understand what i am going through..its not that i am afraid of hard work..is that i know i cannot handle 3 jobs at once.

1. I have to take care of my bro in the morning (or mainly teach him and he is quite a hopeless case)

2. I am 'working' for mgx..although its time consuming..i have to admit this decision to stay or to leave is an important one as it could mean my future and I do not want to take this lightly..yes no money has been earned but I am learning and now I am making a decision for my future..maybe I should control my playfulness so as not to waste so much time playing and more on working i guess..or else its not worth it at all.. Haix and its my portfolio i am building..entrance to arts design and media..

3. I still have to make time for my family and friends and u addy..even though u say u understand and dun mind me neglecting u..but it really hurts me to hear ur disappointed voice when I reject ur date..come on..love is not a one way thing..and I really want to do something for him and not rely so much on him..I really love u addy...no kidding..and I dun wan u to leave me because I did not spend enough time with u..yes u promised..but in love...such promises have been broken and I really dun wan u to leave..

4. Money issues..ya ya I know I am horribly terribly horrendously broke this month..and ya i kinda admit I regret going for prom..waste of money..truly utterly waste of money..shouldnt have bought the bloody expensive dress and bra (which isnt worth the one time wear) and throw myself in poverty and debt of 130 bucks for denise...I am kinda disappointed in her too..for what?for the fact that she said she will pay for my stuff and yet take back her words..I feel kinda decieved and sad..this is actually worse than lihe forgeting to prepare for my prom..I hate prom...I hate it...if i didnt attend i would have my allowance...I will not owe addy that much money..I should have known that money will not drop from the sky and seriously..after I pay all my fucking debts I will not owe anyone money anymore..I swear..no matter how poor i am..no matter how broke..If I have to bear with it..I will..Its my irresponsibility for wasting money on useless hypocritical rubbish stuff..all i hope is that i can maybe sell off the dress (even though its gonna be difficult) and use the money to pay off the debt..tell me to wear for darren's wedding?erm...I think i am happier being not in debt and acting poor than being greatly in debt and acting rich..rubbish..utter rubbish..

SO..if i take up another paying job..I think i will die a horrible death cus too busy with everything..health is wealth u know..if ur gf and sick and stressed..i guess u wont be much happier right? And for godness sake..is not i cannot cope with stress..Is the fact that the stress I am facing is not just a bite on the arm (i dunno why i said that)

I have to face everyone's expectations..

I have to worry abt my family (especially my mother and brother..to hell with my dad)

I have to worry abt my future (which is something some others will face)

money issues..

at least addy is less of a worry..but gradually his rank on my worry list is increasing cus i do not spend a lot of time with him le..and nxt yr is his critical yr of A levels..

yeah life is like that..grrr...oh well..

TMR

CLEAN UP ROOM

FINISH LOGOS

and spend quality time with family.....

Thats the reason why i dun want to go out on sundays..because its a family day and rest day...

Oh and I am going to lock and control my emotions more...in case addy says i am a crybaby and cannot take stress..seriously..U are the reason for my tears..yeah..if u didnt appear..my emotions will still be frozen and be so cold...but really addy... If I control my emotions..its not a good thing..in the long run the sadness will just gather together waiting to explode..and u will not be much happier..and imagine me faking that i am happy when i am not just to be strong..isnt that hypocritical??I am not being truthful to u and u know we did promise each other that we will lie to each other..why cant u understand that??why??

Dont worry =)
I will take good care of myself
and btw u know why to you it seems that its you that cause me to cry more than laugh?
Because I it is those times that you take note..
Not the times that I am happy around you..
If you dont believe me..
take a notebook..
and put a tick whenever I am happy around you
and put a cross when I am sad because of you..

I am willing to bet that the book will be mostly filled with ticks xD
So have more confidence in yourself k?

Well..haix my poor poor finger..
but despite the injury..
i kinda find my bravery and independence back..
instead of being so spoilt by my bf and my mum..
Feeling so much confident again!!
Lol..

Today..
i dont dare to cut the black dead skin off my wound because part of it is still stuck onto my normal skin..
but if i dont it will hinder my healing..
SO
today while i was in the toliet..
I endured that pain and kinda bite off that skin..(reason for not using scissors? I am scared of infection and cant bear to use that metallic dangerous thingy..)
well there was blood and pain..
but come on..no pain no gain!!
And now my finger looks much better and hopefully recover soon =)
For that..
I have to say that I am quite proud of myself
and feel much more like the me who dont whine so much like a bimbo and cry to everyone about it
Must be brave!!
I MUST xD

and oh ya..
I still love addy hahas lala

take note: the injury...

All thanks to heroics...T.T

My mum has just departed from Singapore to Shanghai with my bro...
And..I cant help feeling scared...
Why?
Because..this is like the first time i am without my mum..
and I am scared..
She does all my washing, settle my meals, be the one who support me..nag at me and all..
even though she will be gone for just 2 weeks..
but I realised that one day..
I will have to leave her..for my own life..
And the fact that she put so much effort in taking care of me..
and I am like not doing much..
Not putting effort into my studies..

I dont want her to feel upset and the feeling that what u did was wasted..
I really dont want to..
especially if I cannot grow up to repay her for what I done..
And knowing this society..
Some people just abandon their parents and live their own lives..
I..dont want to..
Because my mum dont have anyone else..
Others may have their partners and all..
But my mum have only me and my bro..
And from the likes of my bro..
He may follow the footsteps of my dad and a high chance that he may not bother about my mum just like my dad does..
I...just dont know what to do..
Really really dont know..

Tell the truth..
I am scared..
Of the future ahead..
Really really scared...