Ever since he told me that..

I feel like my world collapsed..

Now..I am having mixed feelings..

Confusion

Worry

Fear

Disappointment

Sorrow

Today I saw him..its like suddenly we are distanced from each other..

he is like a little boy that did something wrong..

and I just dont know how to face him..

Because I feel awful..and with all the feelings above in me..

And try having pms on top of that..

Horrible..

Its so difficult to use my head instead of my heart..

its..just plain tough..

I dont want to make him feel worse than he already is..especially when he told me the truth..

But my heart hurts..so much..even now..it still hurts..

Suddenly even betrayal isnt as bad as this..

I wan to be close to him but I feel like facing a stranger instead..

its like I dont know this person in front of me..

Or more of i wish i dont know this person in front of me..

Yet love stops me from running away..but my heart hurts..

I wan to act like nothing has changed..

but its impossible..

Confusion

How did this happen? Of all ways to destress and all..why this? This thing that left a huge scar on my heart since I was young.. And why didnt he think of me...of the consequences..

Worry

What if he do this again? What if he never quit? How am I going to face him? Will this affect our relationship negatively?

I dunno..and dont wish to know the answers especially if its negative...

Fear

I am scared...of him..yes..fear.. because of the emotional scars left on me..Just now when he put

down his call (saying that he missed me).. I was still scared.. that its so close to me.. that it is with the person I love so much.. I wan to run away..but I cant..

Disappointment

Why didnt he tell me earlier? Maybe if I wasnt having period I wont take it so badly.. and the fact that he already went through 2 boxes makes me so upset.. Why?

Sorrow

The deepest and strongest feeling of all.. I just feel sad.. Sad that this is happening to me..Sad that I am so useless and hapless.. Sad that its not over yet..

Love and Hate..

I love him but I hate what he is doing..

Its a horrible feeling..

Idiot..you already have a weak stomach..now you want to ruin your lungs is it?

You want to leave the world earlier and leave me by myself right?

And who gives a damn about yan ting.. am I not your gf? Do you even want me at all?

I am so willing to pay him the price of it and take it and throw it right away..

Cus something tells me that by the time he finishes it I may just go crazy with all these feelings in me...

I will really go crazy..

I just need a hug..and a kiss (a fresh one) when it is finally over.. to make me feel safe and secure again..

3rd day of tears..

Great..Wonderful..

Someone please tell me why every time something has to happen to someone close to me...

WHY?

Feel like screaming into the pillow....will do that later..

Sigh..Does it run in the female's family blood or something that we become extraordinary ppl because we go through a lot and still dont find happiness?

Maybe? I dunno...I really dunno what to do..

Something tells me to run away but the other side holds me back..

I cannot run away all the time when something wrong happens..

It will not be solved...

If praying will work..I will do it..I will do anything that works just please save me from this nightmare...

I guess..

When you are feeling hopeless and trapped in a difficult position,

those who are there for you no matter what are those who you should treasure for life..

Thanks..

I was thinking..

Love is like an investment..

You wont know whether the person you invest your feelings in will return your investments..

But one thing for sure, if you invest in the right person..

You will gain so much more..(Priceless things like experience, happiness, courage, confidence, etc..)

Maybe if everyone invests in everyone as much as possible without worrying about whether they get the gains back, the world will be a better place..

Because, as long as you invest, you will not lose anything if the other side invest as much or more back..then love will grow..

If the person didnt return your feelings as much as you put in,

You gained courage and experience for making the shot, and those are priceless.. as compared to the one who did not try at all..

I believe in things that are impossible..

Why not?

If its impossible then there should be an alternate route.. that may be close to the solution..

Its still better than standing there without trying and thinking it wont work and be afraid to give things a try..

Oh well I am just being crappy..and I am glad I didnt hold back in putting heart into people..Especially those who are by my side when I am down..

Thank you

Back to blogging? I dunno..

You know how it means to have mixed feelings?

How to have conflicting thoughts in your mind?

And maybe even having conflicting personalities sometimes..

Sigh..My Dad kicked up a big fuss about nothing again..more like spoiling my bro..

now he is just like a spoilt brat..

Its not like me and my mum dont love him..(my bro)

Its just that we really dun have the energy and time for him..

maybe more of my mum than me..

I feel that maybe I am spoilt and selfish too..Spending so much time on games and slacking..and not spending time to help my bro..

But..he is not helping himself either..yeah I know kids tend to be hyper and such..but he just have an attitude..

And I really dunno how to help him..He only listens properly when someone hits him..but violence is not the way to go..it will bring scars to the heart..But..I really really dunno how to help..and part of me just cant be bothered about it with this evil thought that he is not entirely my responsibility..but thats just plain selfish..

My dad being an asshole and running away from the responsibilities from being a father..and worse spoiling him..

It hurts to see my mum suffer so much..it really hurts..I wan to help but part of me tries to escape reality..and also live my 'own' life..

Now that I think about it..maybe my bro is kinda like Addy..maybe one day my bro will hate me just like how addy hates his big bro.. Maybe Darren has his point of we being stuck in this comfort zone..and I should break out of it..Relaxing is one thing, but slacking is a total different thing..

But I am so tempted to the days where I dun have to care about anything and just play away..

Maybe that can wait..or that SHOULD wait.

One day I want to have enough money to support my family and me without working and then, I will relax..until then, maybe its really time to break from my comfort zone..

Oh and hopefully by then, I will not have to bear sorrow in my heart any longer...

Well..Lets just say that life is back to normal..with ups and downs xD

I think its about time I become my usual coop up self..the one who dont give a damn what others think and be more independent..I hate myself..I hate it when I become emotional because I cannot control the things I say and hurt ppl as a result..I admit the instance I fall in love I have this tendency to be more emotional..maybe I shouldnt..sometimes I wonder if I will be better if I am alone...but once you are used to being with people..its so difficult..so difficult to not feel lonely anymore..I remember the times when I am kinda anti social..kinda cold hearted I guess..but I never feel sad or the term known as lonely..now..I think I will just have to adjust..and get used to it..but it will never be the same again..

I just want someone who knows me..

Someone who understands me..

Someone who like the way I am..

And just be by my side to hold me when I cry and

to talk about anything under the sun, crap..and have fun..

( And I dont give a damn whether that person is a she or a he )

Revival of my blog in secret and lazy to organise..just wanted to find somewhere to vent my thoughts..

Today is the 6L outing..I have to admit i had fun..and lolx apparently lihe has something against wei yao hahas..maybe cus wei yao is quite guai lan ba..and i am glad..very glad to know that i have let go of my feelings towards him xD but i guess addy kinda misunderstood..NO addy u are not a substitute for all these ex crushes..in fact i think u are better than them in a way..or more of the fact that u really love me..

but I am quite disappointed by the fact that he still dun really understand what i am going through..its not that i am afraid of hard work..is that i know i cannot handle 3 jobs at once.

1. I have to take care of my bro in the morning (or mainly teach him and he is quite a hopeless case)

2. I am 'working' for mgx..although its time consuming..i have to admit this decision to stay or to leave is an important one as it could mean my future and I do not want to take this lightly..yes no money has been earned but I am learning and now I am making a decision for my future..maybe I should control my playfulness so as not to waste so much time playing and more on working i guess..or else its not worth it at all.. Haix and its my portfolio i am building..entrance to arts design and media..

3. I still have to make time for my family and friends and u addy..even though u say u understand and dun mind me neglecting u..but it really hurts me to hear ur disappointed voice when I reject ur date..come on..love is not a one way thing..and I really want to do something for him and not rely so much on him..I really love u addy...no kidding..and I dun wan u to leave me because I did not spend enough time with u..yes u promised..but in love...such promises have been broken and I really dun wan u to leave..

4. Money issues..ya ya I know I am horribly terribly horrendously broke this month..and ya i kinda admit I regret going for prom..waste of money..truly utterly waste of money..shouldnt have bought the bloody expensive dress and bra (which isnt worth the one time wear) and throw myself in poverty and debt of 130 bucks for denise...I am kinda disappointed in her too..for what?for the fact that she said she will pay for my stuff and yet take back her words..I feel kinda decieved and sad..this is actually worse than lihe forgeting to prepare for my prom..I hate prom...I hate it...if i didnt attend i would have my allowance...I will not owe addy that much money..I should have known that money will not drop from the sky and seriously..after I pay all my fucking debts I will not owe anyone money anymore..I swear..no matter how poor i am..no matter how broke..If I have to bear with it..I will..Its my irresponsibility for wasting money on useless hypocritical rubbish stuff..all i hope is that i can maybe sell off the dress (even though its gonna be difficult) and use the money to pay off the debt..tell me to wear for darren's wedding?erm...I think i am happier being not in debt and acting poor than being greatly in debt and acting rich..rubbish..utter rubbish..

SO..if i take up another paying job..I think i will die a horrible death cus too busy with everything..health is wealth u know..if ur gf and sick and stressed..i guess u wont be much happier right? And for godness sake..is not i cannot cope with stress..Is the fact that the stress I am facing is not just a bite on the arm (i dunno why i said that)

I have to face everyone's expectations..

I have to worry abt my family (especially my mother and brother..to hell with my dad)

I have to worry abt my future (which is something some others will face)

money issues..

at least addy is less of a worry..but gradually his rank on my worry list is increasing cus i do not spend a lot of time with him le..and nxt yr is his critical yr of A levels..

yeah life is like that..grrr...oh well..

TMR

CLEAN UP ROOM

FINISH LOGOS

and spend quality time with family.....

Thats the reason why i dun want to go out on sundays..because its a family day and rest day...

Oh and I am going to lock and control my emotions more...in case addy says i am a crybaby and cannot take stress..seriously..U are the reason for my tears..yeah..if u didnt appear..my emotions will still be frozen and be so cold...but really addy... If I control my emotions..its not a good thing..in the long run the sadness will just gather together waiting to explode..and u will not be much happier..and imagine me faking that i am happy when i am not just to be strong..isnt that hypocritical??I am not being truthful to u and u know we did promise each other that we will lie to each other..why cant u understand that??why??