I am feeling insecure and upset

You do know that as long as you continue to smoke, the risk that your girlfriend will leave you will always be there?

I need someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be alright...sigh

Here I go again...

Priorities, school, work, relationships, personal life...I am really going to go crazy..AAHHHHHHHH

So much things to do and I am just drowning in it..

I was hoping that darren taking over can solve my problems..but in the end, I still have to do the damn cricket show again...

I am really so sick and tired of everything..

My bf is also no help at all..

I need to control the time spent with him..and really use my fucking brain

Stop playing so much..YOU ARE NOT HAVING HOLIDAYS

YOU ARE HAVING EXAM PERIOD/SUBMISSION PERIOD

ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND DMR.

YOU DONT HAVE THE FUCKING TIME TO SPEND PLAYING WITH ADDY

SO WHAT IF HE HAS TIME

CONTROL YOURSELF..

CLEAR YOUR FUCKING PRIORITIES...and wake up your fucking idea...

STOP THINKING OF GAMES

ITS NOT GOING TO SAVE U..

You are just going to drown further..

STOP TRYING TO ESCAPE REALITY

its not gonna work..

I am losing my mind...

Seriously..

I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH STUFF TO MANAGE, WHY AM I BOTHERING SO MUCH?

WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING THIS?

FUCK CRICKET..FUCK..

I AM SOOO TIRED...SO TIRED OF GOING THROUGH SCREW UP VIDEOS

SICK AND TIRED OF THE FUCKING POOR LIGHTNING AND LIMITED ANGLES FOR THE INDOOR CRICKET..

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT IT IS TO EVEN DO THE DAMN EDIT?

SERIOUSLY...TO THE DAMN NEW PEOPLE...USE YOUR FUCKING BRAINS..

IF THE LIGHTING LOOKS BAD, GO CHANGE YOUR DAMN FUCKING ANGLE...YOU WONT DIE DOING IT FOR FUCK's SAKE..

I WAN SPACE TO BREATHE..

AND ITS SOO HARD

ITS SO FUCKING HELL HARD TO MANAGE EVERYTHING..

I AM NOT A FUCKING GOD..

I HAVE STUPID PROJECTS TO DO, STUPID PRESENTATIONS, AND THE FUCKING STUPID CRICKET SHOW..I NEED REST TIME YOU KNOW..I WANT SOME PERSONAL TIME YOU KNOW....MOST OF ALL...I WANT SOMEONE TO RANT TO ABOUT IT ALL...and not just Addy..and i miss my ring...Denise is going through enough stuff in her life..so I dont want to trouble her with my life...suddenly..I am left alone..again..as usual..eugene is not online..and the only comfort i can seek is sleep itself..i feel miserable..so miserable

I am back to blogging because my darling has taken up smoking and that my diary is not with me

argh..its just so tiring..trying to fight my hatred for smoking just for addy's sake..I know he wants to quit, I know its difficult, but this battle of my hatred of smoking vs my love/relationship with addy is so hard..This time, I cant make any wrong or drastic action like the last time (which ended up in an epic fail). I will take things slowly and steadily..and pray that my efforts will not go to waste..this is a really great challenge..and I guess..for addy's sake. I will try my best.

Dear God,

I know I am supposed to pray with my eyes closed and hands clenched or something but i guess since its the 21st century, even god can surf the net for free. Please give me the strength to go through this crisis and be able to forgive addy and accept him just like how you did to all those who betrayed you. Please forgive addy for making his mistake and give him the strength to overcome smoking. And I really wished that my efforts will not go to waste. Addy was a god given gift to me. Maybe its a test, maybe its a sign that I should give him up. But you did not give up on us people who committed so much sins, so I will take up the challenge. I did not make the decision to break up based on the coin toss, because I dont believe in fate, and I am willing to give things a try even though my efforts may just go to waste. I love you god, and I love addy too. I understand the pain of betrayal, but the betrayal was out of fear, out of fear that he may lose me. So, I bent my rules not to trust a traitor, just for addy and decide to trust him. So please, watch over both of us, and give us the strength to overcome this obstacle. Amen.

Ouch I sounded really like a christian now..haha I guess I only have faith left to guide me through..when everything else is lost.

Time to vent it alllll out

FUCK YOU DAD YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT..

SOOO WHAT IF WE ATE A LITTLE BIT BEFORE THE BUFFET??

OH FOR FUCK's SAKE..ITS NOT EVEN A BIG BUFFET, JUST SOME CHEAPO BUFFET WITHOUT MUCH CHOICES AND ALL THEY HAVE IS PROBABLY RICE RICE AND RICE..

AND SO WHAT IF YOU ARE TREATING?

ITS NOT A BIG THING WHAT, I CAN ALSO TREAT THE FAMILY

FUCKING CHILDISH

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE HUH?

YOU THINK YOU ARE BIG, IN MY EYES YOUR WORTH IS LESSER THAN EVEN A MICROSCOPIC ORGANISM THAT AT LEAST HAS ITS USES

IN MY EYE, YOU, MY DAD IS FUCKING USELESS

AND GORGING AT THE BUFFET IS NOT WORTH IT..

AND WITH ONLY 1 HOUR TO EAT?

SIAO YOU WANT ALL OF US TO DIE ISSIT?

DIE STARVING THEN GORGE ALL..

SIAO FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND YOU PATHETIC CREATURE

I WISH YOU DIE EARLIER..

Sorry god for that but he is unforgivable

he is a pain in the ass

and i wont take back my words..

and to the rest of the idiots i have been facing for the past few weeks, FUCK YOU ALL..

everyone just fucking leave me alone